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Psychonaut Diaries

Photographer, Domina, nymphomaniac, sculptor, friend, science fetishist, scholar, gamer, guru, writer, editor, handyman &technophile


when i first saw this episode i was like yeah ok cool space pig

but then i realized

then i fucking realized 

Toshiko Sato met the Doctor before Jack did and she didn’t even fucking know it


This is the raddest. I want to climb in next to Nine and rub my face on her like a cat that just recognized a giver of treats.

Somebody showed up at my home to threaten me this morning:

or, How Smash Came to Wake Up.

See, here’s the thing. I’m reeaaaally good at reading people. That boy felt BAD when he thought about what he was doing. He still was irrational, but not threatening, like a puppy with its tail between its legs. I wish I’d gotten dressed in time to get out here before he bounced with some stuff from my living room. I would have slapped him across the face and told him to be ashamed.

"The Exaggerate-Everything Disease"

It was hard to live my whole life in a ton of pain and I ultimately had to deal with the misunderstanding/rejection of my issues by pretty much everyone I loved. My family, the guy that took my virginity, any boyfriend-mothers that decided to host a vendetta… I found out when I was 21, and now-four years later-they have finally found physical proof of my disorder for the very first time; everyone is going to have to admit that it’s real, it’s an actual, physical issue that we just couldn’t figure out how to scan for. I am fortunate to not have had to spend as many years struggling as so many older patients had to while waiting for science to catch up to us.

People in support groups have this bitter way of calling it “the exaggerate-everything disease”-not because we do, but because that’s how everyone treats us. I guess it’s true that I was always extremely unhealthy despite being physically robust. Everything, every single thing that’s been wrong with me that made no sense, that had no origin, that everyone always said to stop “making up for attention”, has been attributed to this disease. Everyone else that has it has the symptoms just as I do.

Every one of them was always told the same things as me:
"We can see through you, young people always try to trick us for pain medicine." Anyone moderately close to me at least probably already knows I generally loathe opioids and don’t take pain medication as often even as I ought to for comfort and health. 
"You have an unhealthy need for attention. You’re being sent to a psychiatrist. We’ve told your teachers you are attention seeking so they don’t fall for your tricks." This comes from parents. It is only one of the ingredients in how our families, if they trust us less than they should, treat us growing up. I hear more than half of us have these exact issues if it starts early enough. It is not pretty. We are constantly shamed when we should be comforted and treated. We are instead treated as fools, untrustworthy. We are treated as liars. I guess that’s for another journal entry though.
"You need to be in drama club, you’re the most thorough drama queen!" I hated the results of this: it’s meant to be helpful, I guess, but stems from misconception, so… I spent years trying theatre when I was young. The people were so two-faced, so manipulative and I could never understand them. They absolutely exhausted me. I am straightforward and passionate. I cannot handle tangles of lies, my life is hard enough. I found out by dealing with these people that they attempt to form messes, but it makes no sense to me. I have enough messes. I am trying to undo messes. WHY would you WANT more problems?

That time should have been spent in physical therapy, with doctors, or socially: with our bodies and minds our prisons, social is often one of our only potential outlets of any kind. But god forbid someone so ‘over the top’ ever be allowed to have friends(you know, as we don’t make wise choices, obviously, or we wouldn’t try to make up extreme physical exhaustion, extreme pain, extreme stiffness, temperature and pressure shift adjustment issues, short term memory storage issues during pain episodes, and anxiety that’s patterned into our brain by the trauma/panic reaction parts of our brains being constantly active). Ey.

This goes on
and on
and on.

I am so tired.

Interviewer:There's one thing that's interesting about your books. I noticed that you write women really well and really different. Where does that come from?
George R.R. Martin:You know, I've always considered women to be people.